Brain Power – Thinking, Feeling, Doing

The mind is powerful – simple words generated by our mind impact greatly how we feel and what we do. Many thought patterns can become habitual and when these patterns are primarily negative then a vicious cycle of negative thinking/feelings/and/actions can get started and perpetuate.

Children with negative thought habits may frequently whine, tantrum, argue, or otherwise get upset about many things. Negative thought habits are also common with depression, anxiety, and fear and can cause children to act withdrawn, reluctant to try new things, or to have difficulty “performing” in front of others. For all these children, learning to reframe negative thinking can be an important step towards feeling better and then behaving with better coping skills. It takes guidance and practice, but it makes a positive difference that can last a lifetime!

As an example, let’s look at the difference our mind can make when learning new things. It’s common to stumble and get frustrated while learning new things and then we may think:

“I’m stupid – I quit!”

-versus –

“I made a mistake and often have trouble with *this* but there are many things I’m smart about. If I stick with it, I can do this.”

• · Thinking: I’m stupid! I’m a failure! I can’t do anything right! I quit!
• · Feeling: Terrible, frustrated, angry, worthless
• · Doing: Making cross facial expressions, tight body, yelling at people, quitting, refusing to try similar things

-Versus-

• · Thinking: I made a mistake, it’s not my first, but I’m smart about many things and know I can do this if I stick with it. I can ask for help, or try another way…
• · Feeling: brief frustration replaced with confidence, hope, power, persistence.
• · Doing: Trying again, applying self, looking forward to trying new things.

Negative thinking takes many forms but often involves inaccuracies and exaggerations. “Red flag” words usually describe things in absolute terms and can trap us in a limited and often negative frame of mind – leaving little room for truth, collaboration, resilience, or constructive solutions. Words such as:

• definitely
• boring
• stupid
• dumb
• hate
• don’t care
• failed
• worst
• wrong
• quit
• everything
• nothing
• never
• always

Just as negative words and phrases can cause our mind to close off solutions and increase the risk of conflict there are other words and phrases that help expand the mind – creating the possibility for accuracy, collaboration, and solutions. Words such as:

• right now
• sometimes
• some things
• one thing
• this part of…
• this assignment…
• what worked was…
• next time
• maybe
• probably
• but if…
• what if…
• fortunately…
• I feel…
• I wonder…
• I imagine…
• Another way to look at it…

With practice those who struggle with negativity can develop new, more accurate, and more beneficial ways of thinking. Compare:

• “You never listen to me” versus “It seems like you aren’t listening to me right now. I’d appreciate it if you …”
• “This is boring” versus “I am bored but I’ll look for some way to occupy myself or something I can find interesting here.”
• “I’m a looser” versus “Sometimes I have a difficult time with…”
• “We failed” versus “One thing that went wrong was…”
• “I quit” versus “What if next time I…”

• · “He/she is so mean” versus “Maybe he/she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings… anyway, I can handle this.”

Parents, see if you can catch yourself thinking or saying “no room for truth / red flag” words or phrases and then replace them with phrases that are more accurate and helpful and notice how you feel and act differently. Whether we have noticed it before or not, many people do this automatically. (“I don’t want to get out of bed!” – gets replaced by – “I’ll give myself a few more minutes and then get ready for the day – if I’m prepared, it will be a better day”) You can do this internally while paying attention to your thoughts and can also make verbal corrections. Verbalizing has added benefits of modeling healthy thinking to children.

For people with persistent or debilitating problems with negative thinking (including those who may be anxious, fearful, depressed, or have difficulty with frequent or extreme bouts of anger), consider seeing a therapist who practices “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” (CBT). CBT teaches tools and techniques to better be aware of thoughts, feelings, and actions and also ways of developing new and healthy (thought, feeling, and action) habits. CBT can be effective with children as well as adults.

Dads and Daughters, What’s the Big Deal? (with scientific evidence)

Many dads intuitively know that they are important to their daughters. They see, hear, and feel their daughter’s need to bond, to please them, to learn from them, to play with them, and to tell/show them who they are. From the moment of birth dads worry about keeping daughters safe, healthy, and happy – and wonder how best to do it. Sometimes society, jobs, and even wives give dads the message that they can best serve their daughter by staying out of the way and bringing home the bacon. Here’s some examples:

• Society: It’s common just about anywhere you look to see themes of “fathers and sons” or “mothers and daughters” but rarely “fathers and daughters”
• Job: Most fathers want to spend more time with their children, but can’t because of their jobs. Realities: (1) Eighty percent of the fathers in our country earn most of the money for their families. (2) Counting the time spent commuting, working, doing house and yard work, and being with the kids, the average father has 5 hours less free time each week than the average employed mother. (3) On average, employed fathers work 10 more hours a week than employed mothers. From Linda Nielsen, Ed.D.: http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/LN01.htm
• Media: Fathers are often portrayed as blockheads, goofs, or worse – incestuous. Then there is the other media extreme – the PERFECT DAD (e.g. Bill Cosby plays a financially successful doctor who is also a father and husband who is consistently caring, supportive, funny, wise, helpful, involved, and perpetually available. Of course his kids are perfect. But have you noticed the character rarely has to go to work).
• Mothers: A National Council on Family Relations study showed that mothers often act as gatekeepers between fathers and their children. Gate-keeping “either encourages or discourages fathers from acting on their paternal identity”. The study points out that “if mothers believe that fathers can and should be capable parents, they are more likely to allow fathers into the lives of their children”. With a mothers support, fathers are more likely to take on the responsibility.

IN FACT: Dads make a huge and unique difference in the outcomes their daughters face.

Scientific Review

Below is some scientific evidence showing how dads positively impact their daughters. Amazingly, some of these findings are only true for dads and daughters. In some of these areas mothers don’t have the same positive impact on their daughters as dads do:

• SCHOOL: According to a US Dept. of Education study, fathers involved in school equates to daughters more likely to do well academically, to participate in extracurricular activities, and to enjoy school – and less likely to repeat grades, be suspended or expelled.  TIPS/Ideas for involvement: Volunteer at school; Attend school functions; Attend parent conferences; Help with homework; Have your daughter give you a school tour; Listen when she talks about school.
• MATH AND SCIENCE: Girls’ interest in math and science decreases as their father’s gender stereotypes increase, whereas boys’ interest in math increases as their fathers’ gender stereotypes increase. TIPS/Ideas: Encourage girls in “guy’s roles” /activities, yet also embrace the girls world as much as you can (don’t “put it down” or ignore it).
• SPORTS: The highest predictor of girls involvement in sports is girls who had a dad who played with them when young. TIPS/Ideas: Play!, from bouncing a baby on your knee, to rolling a ball on the floor with a toddler, to kicking or throwing a ball with your youth. Also, model a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise.)
• MENTAL HEALTH: Eighth-grade girls who said they were not close with their fathers cited a significantly higher incidence of depressed mood than girls who described their relationships with their fathers as close. This finding was not repeated in mother/daughter relationships.
• Relationships with BOYS and MEN: In relationships (boyfriends, marriage), our daughter’s expect to be treated how they see their dad treat their mom. TIP: You are the model. Since you want your daughter to make good choices in men, you have to be the best husband you can be.
• PUBERTY, OBESITY, BREAST CANCER: Several studies show that girls who have supportive, involved fathers enter puberty later than girls whose fathers are distant or absent. This finding was not repeated in mother/daughter relationships. How important is this?

o   Researchers at Children’s Hospital, Cincinnati, Ohio note a link between early onset menstruation and adult obesity.

o   When early onset of menstruation was marked by early breast development, there was an associated rise in the risk of breast cancer.

• SEX AND PREGNANCY: Research showed that “father absence is an overriding risk factor for early sexual activity and adolescent pregnancy. Conversely, father presence is a major protective factor against early sexual outcomes, even if other factors were present”. This data concerning father-daughter relationships was not duplicated between mothers and daughters.

In Conclusion: Most everything dads’ worry about (school problems, boy problems, sex, pregnancy, health problems) can best be mitigated by being an involved and supportive father.

The key is taking the time to bond, play, listen to, and teach our daughters. It’s challenging sure, but the rewards to you and your daughter(s) are immediate and lasting.

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Motivation and the Keys to Success

In a previous post (Research on Success) I spoke of a radio show that covered some keys to success and mastery  (showing that quality and quantity of effort/practice/study have much more to do with mastery than DNA or innate talent). Here is a link to that radio program: http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/04/28/pm-syed-what-it-takes-to-achieve-excellence-q/

That radio program  quoted research by Dweck at Stanford. Here is some interesting reading on Dweck’s research and it’s implications for how teachers can motivate learners and tap more of their potential:http://teacherstoolbox.co.uk/T_Dweck.html

Here are two articles on the “talent myth” and these also speak of how “deliberate practice” is a greater predictor of success or mastery than genetics or innate talent: http://hornmatters.com/series/the-talent-myth/

Identify your (multiple) intelligences

http://literacyworks.org/mi/assessment/findyourstrengths.html

This survey helps you identify your strengths and includes feedback about each strength and ways to develop weaknesses.The website provides other information to assist teachers in working with each intelligence in their teaching to best reach the strengths of their students.

Research on Success, and blog updates below

I like to see children motivated and to work with children to build motivation or restore lost motivation. I guess that’s why this interview about a new book looking at what makes a person extremely successful caught my ear: http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/04/28/pm-syed-what-it-takes-to-achieve-excellence-q/

The author argues that genetics or innate talent is NOT a key to success. Most important to mastering something is opportunity and the amount of quality time spent studying and/or practicing. The author studied the histories of several successful people. He also referenced the research of Dweck (of Columbia, now at Stanford): Dweck randomly divides a classroom into two groups and gives them the same puzzle to solve. When they are done she tells one group how smart they are and what gifted puzzle masters they are. She tells the other group how impressed she is with their hard work and efforts. Then she gives both groups a second and more difficult puzzle. Across the country and without fail, the students praised for their efforts do better on the difficult puzzle than the students praised for their high intelligence. This shows that telling a child they are smart creates a dilemma when faced with a difficult task that makes them want to quit rather than give up the positive label of “smart” or “gifted” while the students praised for hard work are more likely to stay determined and persevere until they have solved the puzzle! One lesson is: We parents should praise the efforts of our child instead of our child’s (genius) intelligence. It made me think of how common it is to be frustrated with a child  when they struggle to learn something. Sometimes we get confused or frustrated because it seems such a smart child should be able to do it easier and quicker and we say something like, “You are smarter than that” or “You are a smart kid, I know you can do it (or do better)”. Instead it may be better to say, “You give such good effort! – with some time, you will get it!” Then they might learn to persevere and practice until they are masters  or experts.

Edit: I added a link above to the radio program that motivated this post.

OT: I’ve made edits to clean up and improve posts below.

Parent in Charge – Don’t Make Deals

Children thrive best when someone is respectfully but assuredly in charge. Clear boundaries, rules, and expectations keep a child’s life simpler and give them the comfort and security needed to relax, play, and act their age.

When parents start making deals, it puts the child in charge and creates an expectation that they should get something in return for doing what’s expected of them.

Deal making examples:

• If you don’t complain, I’ll buy you something.
• If you do your homework, you can play video games.
• If you eat 3 more peas, you can have an ice cream bar.

Positive reinforcement is different than deal making:

• You’ve been so great on this shopping trip, hardly a bit of complaining or demanding. It made it easy and fun. Let’s get an ice cream on the way home.
• Great job getting your homework done! Now you have free-time before dinner.
• You ate a great dinner! What would you like for desert?

If you do make a deal, try to avoid some pitfalls by: make the deal an exception, not the rule; make sure the deal is fair to both of you;  make sure you keep your end of the deal (which includes not giving in if they don’t keep up their end).  If a child only eats 2 peas and still gets ice cream, they learn that  they can’t count on you to be in charge and your deals are no more than a negotiating point.

What about the oppositional child?

Oppositional children make up their own rules and resist rules from authority. These children are hard to handle and it can be very tempting to make deals to help avoid tantrums and maintain decent behavior – however, don’t make deals! Deals will reinforce their behavior in ways that are unsustainable for your relationship and for their future. These children also need  clear and consistent boundaries, rules, and expectations. For specific recommendations with an oppositional child, you might start here: http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+with+Oppositional+Defiant+Disorder&section=Facts+for+Families

With fair and consistent rules, boundaries, and expectations, children will come to understand that taking responsibility will bring them more freedom, opportunity, and self respect. This lesson will sustain your relationship and their future!

Respectful Comments and Questions Encouraged

Dealing with Difficult Feelings

Helpful Ways to Deal with Difficult Feelings

1. Eat and Sleep: Take care of yourself so low blood sugar and tiredness don’t get in the way.
2. Relaxing the Bodyhelps to relax the mind and relaxing the mind eases difficult feelings.
   • Some people do best to slow down and relax (meditate, deep breaths, go for a walk, sit under a tree, read, listen to music….).
   • Other people do best to speed up and exercise to relax (run, bike, dance…).
3. Re-frame negative thoughts to positive/helpful thoughts: “I can’t face it” becomes “it’s hard but I’ve done it before so I can do it again” or, “I’ve survived worse” or, “If I ask for help, it will be doable”.
4. Reflect: Challenge yourself to learn from the problem of find a bright side to the problem.
5. Accept the feelings and focus on what’s next. (I feel nervous but I can still do it, plus the sooner I get started, the sooner it’s over….)
6. Think about, or do something, that you enjoy. It helps to take your mind off the feelings.
7. Humor. Cartoons and comedians provide good examples for finding humor in any situation.
8. Draw or write about it. Drawing and writing helps get feelings out and the creative process often spurs ideas, solutions, and renewed hope.
9. Tell someone what you are feeling. Talking helps get the feelings out and you always feel better afterward.
10. Ask for help. Sometimes people we trust will have ideas how to feel better or how to solve a problem that we hadn’t thought about.
11. Talk It Out. For some problems this is the most helpful of all.

• Take time to cool off before approaching the person you are having a problem with.
• Talk and listen to the person.This helps everyone understand each other and the problem.
  • Use “I statements” like “I’m upset that….” as opposed to “you statements” like, “You never…, or, You always…”.
  • Ask questions to help you understand.
  • Listen and show that you understand (reflective listening).

Think about ways to solve the problem and discuss the ideas.

Decide and Act: Choose the idea you both like best. There is often a way to work it out for everyone.

Many of these tips involve the mind because more than anything what we think impacts how we feel (and the combination of thoughts and feelings dictate our behavior).

If you remain stuck in your difficult feelings, please consider seeing a therapist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is proven effective in helping individuals with a wide range of issues including anxiety, anger, negative thinking, trauma, and depression. CBT is based on the premise that changing the mind changes affect and behavior. CBT teaches tools to calm the body and ways to correct and improve exaggerated or damaging thoughts.
NOTE: Details and Tips about how to develop or teach these tools will follow.

Respectful Comments and Questions Encouraged

Parenting Tips

Negative Thinking

What we think has a lot to do with how we feel. Learning to reframe negative thinking is an important step in coping with problems and feeling better.  There is language you can use with children to help them learn to “reframe” negative thinking (which can be present with depression, anxiety, fear, grief, low self-esteem…).

• Some children develop a habit of tantruming, arguing, whining, or otherwise getting upset about many things. Learning to categorize problems as small, medium, or large is one step in re-framing a problem and deciding how to handle it. Help children define problem sizes and then you can ask: Is this a small problem, medium problem, or a big problem (tiny problem, medium sized, or earthquake problem)?
• If it is a small problem, suggest to the child that they “let it go” or “just move on”. In other words, “this too shall pass”. If they don’t want to let it go, then it is time to “work it out”. (Tips for teaching children to “work it out” will follow in another post)
• Medium problems can be solved or surmounted. It may take time, effort and/or help. Suggest to the child that they “Talk it out” or “Take a break (to calm down if argumentative) and then we’ll talk about it” or ask, “What can you do to solve the problem?”, or “Can I help”, or….
• Big (earthquake) problems are often life altering and out of our immediate control.

Note that “Talking it Out” and “calming down” are skills that many need guidance and practice with. I will add more on these skills in later posts.

For children with persistent or debilitating problems with negative thinking, consider having the child see a therapist who does “cognitive behavioral therapy” (CBT) with children.

I’ll be adding book recommendations as well….. more to come…

Respectful Comments and Questions Encouraged

Social is an Intelligence

Understanding Multiple Intelligences can be very useful in understanding ourselves, our children, and the people we work with. By understanding these intelligences we can help encourage strengths in others and help others develop skills to overcome or cope with areas of difficulty. According to Howard Gardner, there are 9 scientifically proven intelligences:

1. Linguistic intelligence (“word smart”)
2. Logical-mathematical intelligence (“number/reasoning smart”)
3. Spatial intelligence (“picture smart”)
4. Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence (“body smart”)
5. Musical intelligence (“music smart”)
6. Interpersonal intelligence (“people smart”)
7. Intrapersonal intelligence (“self smart”)
8. Naturalist intelligence (“nature smart”)
9. Existential intelligence (Deep Thinking)

Each intelligence uses different parts of the brain.

Being “social” can be defined as: “being with other people and thinking about them thinking about me”. As an intelligence, it comes more naturally to some than others. As with any intelligence, we can strengthen our abilities with practice.

What is often referred to as “people smart”, Gardner calls “interpersonal intelligence”. Most of us can identify which of these intelligences are our strong suits and which are not. “Logical Mathematical Reasoning” is one place I struggle. Many of the children I work with struggle with social skills, or interpersonal intelligence. Some only struggle because they have learned bad habits or haven’t had enough peer experience, guidance, and modeling to learn strong social skills. It’s not that they lack the intelligence, they just haven’t been exposed to the environments necessary to fully develop their intelligence. Even someone with a high aptitude for math may learn very little without attending school. Then there are those who, like me, have trouble learning math even with lots of extra help. Often these are the same people who, like me, might pass test after test with enough help but months later wouldn’t be able complete any of the  problems over again. With enough support I can learn to do complex mathematical formulas, but even though the “number smart” neurons in my brain are able fire, they don’t seem to make permanent pathways – or they just forget which pathways to take and get lost. I think many children are in a similar situation socially. With enough modeling, support, and peer experience, they can catch up to their peers socially so that they don’t stand out and they feel connected. However,  social skills get more complex each year of childhood development  and some kids need support year after year so they don’t fall behind or revert to old behaviors.

As an example, one child I’ve worked with who is diagnosed “asperger’s” begins each year of school as a “perimeter walker” (a child who walks the perimeter of a classroom, a group, or a playground but doesn’t interact). He may stop and watch and look like he’s ready to join, but he won’t. With support from home and small groups focused on teaching social skills and a 1:1 aid staying with him much of the day and encouraging him, he can and does begin to join groups and find people he can connect with. However, once the supports are reduced or a new year begins (with new faces and new routines), he will revert to the perimeter. His “people smart” neurons can fire but they also lose their way without enough practice and support. Unfortunately, the same is true with my “math smarts”.

NOTE: Howard Gardner is the John H. and Elisabeth A. Hobbs Professor of Cognition and Education at the Harvard Graduate School of Education: http://www.howardgardner.com/index.html

Respectful Comments and Questions Encouraged

New Blog – The Vision

I’m planning three subjects concerning children:

1. Social: Autism spectrum; developmental; communication theory; etc.
2. Emotional: Abuse, Anger, Anxiety, Crisis, Divorce, Grief, … – Coping
3. Mental: Learning Disorders, Mental Health, self-esteem, … etc.

I will include five types of information for each subject:

1. News/Research
2. Personal Insight and Practice
3. Resources / Links / Book Recommendations
4. Parenting Tips
5. Reader Comments and Insight plus Q/A

You can “Subscribe” to receive notification of new posts to this blog by entering your email on the right side.

Please see “Pages” to the right and click for a topic of interest to you.

Kirk Stuepfert MSW PPSC

Professional blog: .childrenswellbeing.wordpress.com

Friendship Counseling Video: http://youtu.be/1vujlHAGu18

Professional Experience

Therapist (12/2009 – Present)

JFCS, Parents Place (Palo Alto and San Mateo, CA)

• Individual and Family therapy; Social skills groups for children; Parent education workshops.

School Counselor / Social Worker (08/2002 – 08/2011)

White Oaks School (San Carlos, CA)

• Coordinate and deliver comprehensive school social work services in support of students, family, and staff. Including:

– Small group counseling to meet student needs (social skills training, families in transition, anxiety, anger and frustration management).

– Classroom workshops on anti-bullying, conflict resolution, and character traits.

– Individual and Family counseling for educational, conflict, mental health, and crisis issues.

– Collaborate with parents, teachers and other stakeholders to best meet the needs of individual students (including SST / IEP participation).

– Provide parents and staff with referrals and information on local resources.

Child / Adolescent Therapy Internship (2001 – 2002)

County Mental Health Services – Youth Team    (San Mateo, CA)

• Therapeutic services to youth with severe emotional and behavioral problems and their families.
• Advocacy, consultation, and collaboration with other agencies and in Wraparound and SST/IEP meetings for families in San Mateo County.

Volunteer Experience

Youth Mentor (7/1999 –7/2001)

Daly City Youth Center – Project PLAY (Daly City, CA)

• Worked with at-risk teens on developing and approaching personal and educational goals.
• Participated in diversity training and communication workshops as part of the program.

Assistant Counselor (12/1996 –1/1998)

Sobriety High School (San Rafael, CA)

• Counseled teens with histories of drug and alcohol abuse and mental illness.

Education

M.S.W. Masters Social Work (2003) San Jose State University

• PPSC (Pupil Personal Services Credential)
• CWA (Credential in Child Welfare and Attendance)

BA in Liberal Studies and BA in English: Creative Writing (2001) San Francisco State University

• Phi Beta Kappa
• Golden Key National Honor Society

Post Masters CEUs (California Board of Behavioral Sciences Accredited)

• Alcoholism and Chemical Substance Abuse Dependency
• Community Transition Teams: A Model to Build Student, Family, School & Community Resiliency
• Community Social Work Centered in the School
• Creating Healthy and Resilient Schools and Communities
• Human Sexuality
• Innovative Interventions That Provide Hope and Motivate Youth
• Living Life on the Autism Spectrum
• Mediation as a Tool For School Social Workers
• Multiple Intelligences & Social Work Practice for Students with Learning Disabilities
• Non Verbal Learning Disorders: Identifying and treating.
• Parent Training to Enhance Child Resiliency
• Solution Focused Therapy for Children, Adolescents and Their Families
• Stop and Think: Impulse Control Workshop
• Strategies & Tools to Develop Emotionally Intelligent Youth
• Teaching social skills to children with Autism, ADHD, and other issues impacting social skills.
• Therapeutic Interventions for Students with Behavioral Disorders
• Treatment of ADD in the Schools
• Whole Child Intervention and Prevention Programs for Youth at Risk
• Why Try Program: Strength based methods to teach emotional intelligence and life skills.
• Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Professional Organizations

• Registered Associated Social Worker. License Number: 27486
• Member National Association of Social Workers (NASW)
• Member California Association of School Social Workers (CASSW)
• Member American School Counselor Association (ASCA)